Beth and I met for a seasonal hot chocolate. Our time together was to acknowledge a mutual respect and explore what might grow from it.
I first met Beth after one of her speaking engagements. We quickly learned that we attended the same high school, and her theatre experience was led by Paul Yaeger, who lived two houses away from my childhood home.
We had some other similarities, as we both spent years learning, but in very different ways. She has a Ph.D., exceptional leadership skills from leading institutions, several books under her belt, and a solid history of giving life-changing keynote addresses.
My education was more experiential. I’ve worked in publishing, marketing, communication, media, entertainment, technology, and medicine. Working across so many industries exposed me to more jargon than I ever expected, and a vocabulary that grew right along with it.
During our conversation, I was reminded that most people don’t struggle with communication because they lack words. They struggle because, even when words and stories are exchanged, connection never quite forms.
Beth mentioned reconnecting with a friend she hadn’t seen in a couple of decades and how they had picked up where they left off. The story she shared carried a lesson I didn’t want to miss. Whether she intended it or not, her story made something unmistakably clear: connection isn’t automatic. It’s cultivated.
Over time, I’ve come to see that strong connection follows a simple but powerful pattern. Relationships grow when we intentionally engage, relate, and build.
ENGAGE: Connection Begins With Presence
Engagement is the first step of connection—and often the most overlooked. It’s also the one that requires the most courage. This is the step many introverts use as an excuse, believing engagement isn’t in their nature.
But engagement is a learned skill, not an overflow of charisma. Even charisma, it turns out, is learned.
To engage means choosing presence over distraction. It’s the decision to initiate rather than wait. Engagement tells the other person, “You matter right now.”
Having just concluded her heart-moving keynote, it took courage for me to step into the line of people hoping to speak with Beth. She didn’t know me, and I only knew the parts of her story she had shared from the stage. Still, being in proximity gave me a brief moment to engage.
Years ago, I learned that engagement makes the difference between conversations that connect people and interactions that remain merely transactional. I’ve come to care deeply about whether people feel welcomed—or simply tolerated. Because Beth’s keynote had impacted me, I wanted to thank her by offering something that would honor her time rather than consume it.
The only form of charisma I reliably possess shows up when I pay attention to others. I’m still learning how to project presence from a stage, but focusing on the person in front of me comes naturally. Giving someone my undivided attention is often mistaken for charisma.
Paying attention is engagement—and it’s a skill any introvert can master.
Because I was fully present in that brief conversation, Beth remembered me when I later reached out to invite her for a hot chocolate; the connection had already been engaged.
RELATE: Connection Deepens Through Shared Meaning
Our hot chocolates were a little too decadent for our taste. As the conversation deepened, Beth set hers aside and focused fully on the topics flowing easily from one to the next. My gulps turned into small sips—my attention was taking more concentration than drinking.
The conversation moved naturally into deeper waters. We weren’t just exchanging stories; we were making meaning together—acknowledging what each of us had experienced, including the good, the hard, and the moments we never planned for.
As Beth shared more openly, I noticed something important. She had found a balance point in deeper conversation. Relating wasn’t about agreeing or oversharing. She listened carefully to what I shared, made sure she understood it, and when she opened up, she did so thoughtfully and with restraint.
Her stories didn’t overwhelm me with emotion, nor did they skim past the moments that mattered most. What she shared allowed me to understand not just what happened, but what it meant to her.
That made it easy to respond in ways that acknowledged her experience:
“That makes total sense.”
“I get that—I’ve experienced something similar.”
“That must have been hard. I can’t imagine what you experienced, but it clearly mattered.”
When people relate, walls lower. Conversations gain depth. Trust begins to form.
Because trust was growing, I felt comfortable opening up a bit more myself. I was mindful of our time and of keeping the conversation mutual, but it was clear we had crossed a critical threshold. We weren’t skimming the surface anymore.
When people don’t take time to relate, conversations tend to stay shallow. Differences feel threatening instead of enriching, and people remain guarded without always realizing why. But when relating happens well, curiosity replaces caution—and connection strengthens.
Beth had mastered this balance. Watching her relate with intention encouraged me to step away from surface-level exchanges and share more genuinely. For me, the key was staying fully authentic without oversharing—allowing connection to deepen naturally.
BUILD: Connection Lasts When Trust Accumulates
Trust requires time and consistency to accumulate. Every relationship—whether at work, in family, or within a community—needs a minimum level of trust before people feel safe opening their hearts. That threshold looks different for everyone, shaped by life experiences, shared connections, and the care they’ve received along the way.
To build a trustworthy connection, both people must show up again and again. Trust grows slowly through reliability, kindness, and shared experience. It’s not built in moments of intensity, but in patterns of consistency.
Integrity also plays a critical role in the building process. Time alone doesn’t create trust—actions must align with words. This is often where people stop short.
Engagement feels risky. Relating feels vulnerable. Building feels inconvenient.
But without building trust, connection can’t deepen or endure.
Over time, a consistent connection creates confidence in the other person. When trust is strong, misunderstandings are handled with grace, assumptions soften, and credibility is extended before doubt takes hold.
This kind of connection affects everything:
- How teams collaborate
- How families communicate
- How leaders influence
- How communities function
When the connection is weak, even good communication falls flat. When the connection is strong, relationships become more resilient under pressure.
Building this level of trust takes time—especially in business—and wisdom in personal relationships. The key is to recognize where each relationship currently stands and deepen it as far as is healthy and practical.
Every relationship grows at the pace of the most cautious person involved. Once you understand that, you gain clarity about how deeply a connection can go—and how to show up within it with patience, respect, and consistency.
A Closing Reflection
Steam no longer rose from our cups as our time ran out. The conversation naturally wound down, and we were content. It was clear that we would connect again to see where things might go from there—all in due time as we continue to engage, relate, and build our connection.
Connection rarely announces itself in the moment. It doesn’t arrive with a spotlight or demand recognition. More often, it grows quietly—through attention, understanding, and the willingness to return.
That afternoon over hot chocolate reminded me that strong relationships aren’t the result of perfect timing, impressive words, or shared credentials. They’re cultivated through small, human choices made with intention.
When we engage, relate, and build, we create space for trust to form—and when trust is present, connection follows.
Take a pause and notice where you are in your relationships. Are you ready to take the next honest step forward? Sometimes that’s showing up. Sometimes it’s listening more deeply. Sometimes it’s returning when it would be easier not to.
Connection grows when we choose to tend it.
Copyright © 2025 by CJ Powers
