Most of us want meaningful friendships, but let’s be honest—life makes them harder to build and sustain as we get older. In school, friendships seemed to form naturally. We had shared classes, lunch breaks, and athletic/theatre/music practices—proximity did the work for us. As adults, it takes more intention.
That’s why I created the PICA Framework for Connection. It provides a straightforward way to evaluate and strengthen the relationships that matter most. Like a ruler that helps us measure length, my PICA framework helps us measure the depth of our friendships.
The Four Pillars of Connection
P – Proximity
Friendships need opportunity. Whether it’s working in the same office, attending the same church, or living nearby, proximity creates repeated interactions. Without it, connections fade.
Ask yourself: Do we regularly see or reach each other?
I – In-Sync
Life doesn’t have to match perfectly, but rhythms do. Being “in sync” means your schedules, affinities, or experiences overlap enough to keep the relationship flowing. You may be in different life stages, but if your hobbies, passions, or weekly rhythms align, the bond can remain strong.
Ask: Are our lives moving in a rhythm that allows us to connect?
C – Chemistry
This is the spark—the natural energy that makes a friendship feel easy, uplifting, and fun. You can’t force chemistry, and you know when it’s missing.
Ask: Do I feel more alive after spending time with this person?
A – Alignment
Deep trust stems from shared values or a solid foundation of respect for each other’s values. Alignment doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but it does mean your beliefs, principles, ethics, and morals are compatible enough to build something lasting.
Ask: Do our values overlap in meaningful ways?
A Story of PICA in Action
Years ago, I worked alongside a colleague twenty years younger than me. Our desks were close, our work connected us several times a day, and we both shared a love for theatre, filmmaking, and nature. We shared laughs, creativity, and a passion for helping people through story. We also aligned in our ethics and beliefs.
In other words, all four PICA pillars were present: proximity, in-sync, chemistry, and alignment. The result was a friendship that energized both of us, making us more productive and creative.
But our culture at the time wasn’t comfortable with a platonic friendship between a man and a woman, not to mention an age gap. Outside voices questioned the friendship, and eventually, we chose to walk away from it. That was okay. Friendships don’t exist in a vacuum—outside forces always play a role in whether a relationship continues, shifts, or fades.
Why PICA Matters
Friendships don’t fall apart because of one bad conversation. More often, they shift because one of these pillars has weakened: maybe you moved away (proximity), your lives got out of sync, the energy changed, or your values diverged.
Sometimes, as in my story, it’s not even the pillars—it’s the environment around them. Outside pressures, cultural expectations, or life circumstances can also reshape or even end a friendship. That doesn’t diminish the value of what you had.
Putting PICA Into Practice
Here are the key areas for implementing PICA in relationships. These require a conscious effort and will help you understand where the relationship stands on a healthy scale, as well as what to consider for improvement.
- Reflect: Choose a friendship you want to evaluate. Score each pillar 1–10. Which one feels weakest?
- Invest: If proximity is low, create more opportunities to connect in person. If in-sync is low, find new shared rhythms through a newly shared experience. If chemistry is low, try spending more time together, experiencing a change in pace, a new place, or a new activity together. If alignment is low, decide whether the relationship can sustain long-term depth and consider having a long, in-depth conversation to see if you’re on the same page, but just have varying perspectives.
- Accept: Recognize that outside forces—culture, family, and workplace dynamics—influence friendships. Sometimes letting go is healthy.
- Repeat: Friendships are dynamic. Use PICA regularly as a self-check tool.
Connection is one of the three keys to success (alongside Communication and Collaboration). But connection doesn’t just happen—it’s built. By using PICA—Proximity, In-Sync, Chemistry, and Alignment—you’ll know exactly what to measure, strengthen, and protect in the relationships that matter most.
Copyright © 2025 by CJ Powers
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