Category Archives: Connection

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September 25, 2025

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Connection

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Measure the Depth of Your Friendships with PICA

Most of us want meaningful friendships, but let’s be honest—life makes them harder to build and sustain as we get older. In school, friendships seemed to form naturally. We had shared classes, lunch breaks, and athletic/theatre/music practices—proximity did the work for us. As adults, it takes more intention.

That’s why I created the PICA Framework for Connection. It provides a straightforward way to evaluate and strengthen the relationships that matter most. Like a ruler that helps us measure length, my PICA framework helps us measure the depth of our friendships.

The Four Pillars of Connection

P – Proximity
Friendships need opportunity. Whether it’s working in the same office, attending the same church, or living nearby, proximity creates repeated interactions. Without it, connections fade.

Ask yourself: Do we regularly see or reach each other?

I – In-Sync
Life doesn’t have to match perfectly, but rhythms do. Being “in sync” means your schedules, affinities, or experiences overlap enough to keep the relationship flowing. You may be in different life stages, but if your hobbies, passions, or weekly rhythms align, the bond can remain strong.

Ask: Are our lives moving in a rhythm that allows us to connect?

C – Chemistry
This is the spark—the natural energy that makes a friendship feel easy, uplifting, and fun. You can’t force chemistry, and you know when it’s missing.

Ask: Do I feel more alive after spending time with this person?

A – Alignment
Deep trust stems from shared values or a solid foundation of respect for each other’s values. Alignment doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but it does mean your beliefs, principles, ethics, and morals are compatible enough to build something lasting.

Ask: Do our values overlap in meaningful ways?

A Story of PICA in Action

Years ago, I worked alongside a colleague twenty years younger than me. Our desks were close, our work connected us several times a day, and we both shared a love for theatre, filmmaking, and nature. We shared laughs, creativity, and a passion for helping people through story. We also aligned in our ethics and beliefs.

In other words, all four PICA pillars were present: proximity, in-sync, chemistry, and alignment. The result was a friendship that energized both of us, making us more productive and creative.

But our culture at the time wasn’t comfortable with a platonic friendship between a man and a woman, not to mention an age gap. Outside voices questioned the friendship, and eventually, we chose to walk away from it. That was okay. Friendships don’t exist in a vacuum—outside forces always play a role in whether a relationship continues, shifts, or fades.

Why PICA Matters

Friendships don’t fall apart because of one bad conversation. More often, they shift because one of these pillars has weakened: maybe you moved away (proximity), your lives got out of sync, the energy changed, or your values diverged.

Sometimes, as in my story, it’s not even the pillars—it’s the environment around them. Outside pressures, cultural expectations, or life circumstances can also reshape or even end a friendship. That doesn’t diminish the value of what you had.

Putting PICA Into Practice

Here are the key areas for implementing PICA in relationships. These require a conscious effort and will help you understand where the relationship stands on a healthy scale, as well as what to consider for improvement.

  • Reflect: Choose a friendship you want to evaluate. Score each pillar 1–10. Which one feels weakest?
  • Invest: If proximity is low, create more opportunities to connect in person. If in-sync is low, find new shared rhythms through a newly shared experience. If chemistry is low, try spending more time together, experiencing a change in pace, a new place, or a new activity together. If alignment is low, decide whether the relationship can sustain long-term depth and consider having a long, in-depth conversation to see if you’re on the same page, but just have varying perspectives.
  • Accept: Recognize that outside forces—culture, family, and workplace dynamics—influence friendships. Sometimes letting go is healthy.
  • Repeat: Friendships are dynamic. Use PICA regularly as a self-check tool.

Connection is one of the three keys to success (alongside Communication and Collaboration). But connection doesn’t just happen—it’s built. By using PICA—Proximity, In-Sync, Chemistry, and Alignment—you’ll know exactly what to measure, strengthen, and protect in the relationships that matter most.

Copyright © 2025 by CJ Powers

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September 23, 2025

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communication, Connection

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When Social Glue Outweighs Truth

We live in a time when news travels at the speed of a click. A story breaks, opinions explode, and before the dust settles, millions of people have already picked a side. It would be encouraging if those positions were built on verified facts, but often they’re not. Instead, they’re shaped by something more powerful than truth itself: the social glue of belonging.

A Story That Stopped Me Cold

Recently, I read a breaking news report that angered me. The media shared details immediately—without taking time to verify the facts—because ratings and clicks mattered more than accuracy. The half-baked story took off, fueling activists who staked clear positions on the issue before anyone truly knew what had happened.

This morning, I bumped into someone who brought up the story. Since I had access to the actual facts from industry insiders, I began to explain what had really transpired. BLAM! Before I could finish, the person yelled at me. I tried to clarify, but I wasn’t allowed.

Why? Because their opinion wasn’t anchored in truth—it was cemented by their social circle. Their friends had already taken a stand. To question the narrative meant risking social rejection, and belonging outweighed accuracy.

The ripple effects were staggering. Activists were boycotting, social media arguments flared, and tempers ran hot—all based on false information. An industry insider confided that they had no idea how to slow the emotional rampage or get people back on the same page. Instead, they were forced into triage mode, just hoping to capture a shred of reality.

It got worse. One of the three companies involved had to build an entirely new publicity campaign that treated the falsehood as if it were true—because that’s where the public conversation had already landed. It sounds absurd, but there’s wisdom hidden there: sometimes the only way to lead people back to reality is to start where they are and slowly walk them across the bridge you build into truth.

Why Truth Often Loses

That experience hammered home a difficult reality: truth doesn’t always carry as much weight as community. People may claim they value facts, but when those facts threaten the acceptance of their social group, most will hold tighter to the group than to reality.

This is confirmation bias on steroids. We don’t just look for information that validates our perspective—we look for information that validates our tribe. And once we’ve socially reinforced a belief, even airtight evidence can feel like a threat.

Familiarity Feels Like Truth

Another reason false stories gain traction is repetition. The more often something is said—especially by trusted friends or favorite voices—the more “true” it feels. Familiarity breeds credibility, even if the information is wrong. That’s why fact-checks and corrections rarely travel as far or as fast as the initial story. Once a narrative is familiar and socially reinforced, it feels like common sense.

Why Facts Alone Don’t Change Minds

We’ve all tried it—dropping statistics or news articles into a heated debate, only to be dismissed or attacked. The problem isn’t always the strength of the evidence; it’s the lack of trust between the messenger and the audience. Facts are abstract. Relationships are personal. And when truth threatens to fracture relationships, it often loses.

This is why shouting louder doesn’t work. Correcting someone in front of their peers can backfire, because it doesn’t just challenge their opinion—it threatens their standing in the group.

The Path Back to Truth

So, what do we do when social glue outweighs truth? We start by recognizing that people are relational beings first and rational beings second. If we want truth to stick, it has to travel through trust.

Here are a few practical approaches:

  1. Lead With Respect. People listen when they feel respected, even in disagreement.
  2. Build Trust Before Sharing Facts. A trusted voice can carry hard truths where a stranger’s voice can’t.
  3. Find Shared Values. Frame truth in ways that connect with what the other person already values—safety, freedom, fairness, or community.
  4. Plant Seeds, Don’t Throw Stones. Change rarely happens in the heat of debate. It happens later, when a planted idea starts to grow.
  5. Start Where People Are. As frustrating as it sounds, sometimes the only way forward is to meet people inside their existing narrative and carefully build a bridge toward reality.

People Believe What Helps Them Belong

The story I experienced reminded me that truth, on its own, isn’t always enough. Social belonging can be stronger than facts, louder than reason, and more persuasive than evidence. People don’t just believe what they think is true—they believe what helps them belong.

If we want to see truth prevail, we can’t only correct lies. We must cultivate relationships, build trust, and patiently guide people across the bridge from where they are to what’s real. Because in the end, truth matters—but only if we can carry it together.

Copyright © 2025 by CJ Powers

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September 5, 2025

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collaboration, communication, Connection

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A Gig of Conversations: Lessons from Bob Schmidgall

Bob Schmidgall was one of the most incredible speakers I’ve ever heard. I admired his ability to connect with people and studied him often. One of his greatest strengths was speaking in a way that reached blue-collar, white-collar, and gold-collar workers—all at once. Each listener walked away believing Bob was speaking directly to them.

If you haven’t heard those terms, they’re general categories of labor:

  • Blue Collar: Manual laborers and skilled tradespeople.
  • White Collar: Office and professional workers.
  • Gold Collar: Highly skilled and valued specialists, often in cutting-edge fields like AI.

When Bob made a key point, he often shared it three times. But he never sounded repetitive. Instead, each sentence was crafted for a different group. He wasn’t restating; he was expounding—layering meaning so each person heard it in a way they could relate to.

The result? Everyone left the room feeling as though his talk was written just for them. He was relatable, informative, humorous, and full of great stories. Out of the hundreds of speakers I’ve listened to, Bob remains in my top five.

At some point, I realized something important: no amount of study would turn me into Bob. But that wasn’t the point. Bob had his gift. What I needed to see was that all of us actually speak far more than he ever did. Over a lifetime, we will likely have the equivalent of a gigabyte of conversations—not just spoken words, but emails, texts, social DMs, and even old-fashioned snail mail.

Each exchange adds another “file” to our personal archive. Some are blurry images best deleted, but others are crisp, high-resolution moments worth revisiting.

And that leads to the real question: if you’re going to spend that much time talking, typing, and connecting—why not upgrade your conversations so they actually build trust, opportunity, and collaboration?

Here are five simple Conversation Upgrades I’ve found that can transform ordinary chatter into meaningful dialogue.

Upgrade 1: Curiosity Beats Cleverness

Instead of prepping stories to tell, prepare questions to ask. Dale Carnegie put it best: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you” (How to Win Friends and Influence People).

A practical way to stay curious? Think about their Family, Work, Recreation, and Dreams (the F-W-R-D framework). Ask about their kids’ hobbies, the wildest thing that happened at work this month, the new restaurant they tried, or the goal that lights them up. When you anticipate their story, you can’t help but lean in—and that anticipation is contagious.

Upgrade 2: Turn on Charisma Mode

Charisma isn’t some magic dust—it’s built from presence, warmth, and confidence. Olivia Fox Cabane (The Charisma Myth) shows how teachable this is.

  • Presence: Give someone the sense that there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.
  • Warmth: Try the “flooding smile”—pause, take them in, then let a genuine smile slowly spread. It feels personal, not pasted on.
  • Confidence: Strong posture and a few thoughtful pauses tell the room you’re comfortable in your own skin.

When those three align, people don’t just hear your words—they feel your attention.

Upgrade 3: Add a Twist of Surprise

Boring conversations fade. Playful ones stick. Instead of standard answers, toss in a curveball:

  • Instead of “I’m from Chicago,” say: “I’m from Chicago, where pizza is deep enough to need a lifeguard.”
  • Instead of “I’m a consultant,” say: “I’m a consultant who’s learned more from coffee spills in boardrooms than from MBA textbooks.”

It’s not about impressing—it’s about giving others something fun to react to, like setting up the first line of an improv scene.

Upgrade 4: Ask for Feelings, Not Just Facts

Charles Duhigg’s Supercommunicators highlights a Harvard study of speed dating conversations: the people who landed second dates asked emotion-driven questions, not fact-gathering ones.

Swap:

  • “Where are you from?” → “What do you love most about your hometown?”
  • “What do you do?” → “What makes your work exciting—or exhausting?”
  • “What did you do this weekend?” → “What was the highlight of your weekend?”

By aiming for Dreams, Elevated moments, and Passions (D-E-P), you’ll unlock stories that reveal what matters most. That’s the difference between polite small talk and real connection.

Upgrade 5: Let People Know They Landed

Everyone wants to feel heard. Psychiatrist Mark Goulston (Just Listen) says even small acknowledgments—nodding, “mm-hmms,” or paraphrasing—make a huge impact.

When someone shares, don’t just reply with “Wow, that’s crazy.” Echo a detail that mattered: “That’s hilarious—after all that effort, the IKEA shelf was upside down the whole time.”

It signals: I didn’t just hear you. I understood you. That’s the glue of collaboration.

Why These Upgrades Matter

Each “conversation upgrade” builds on the 3Cs framework that I’ve developed:

  • Communication: Clearer, warmer, and more engaging.
  • Connection: Deeper emotional resonance—because you’re asking what really matters.
  • Collaboration: When people feel seen and valued, they bring their best ideas to the table.

Conversations aren’t background noise—they’re the raw material of relationships. And when you upgrade them, you upgrade your influence, your opportunities, and your impact.

It’s Time to Upgrade

You’ve got a gig of conversations ahead. Most people will let theirs auto-save in the background. But you? You can choose to upgrade yours—turning them into meaningful files worth archiving.

Start small: one curious question, one genuine smile, one playful twist. Then watch how fast your communication, connection, and collaboration grow.

Copyright 2025 by CJ Powers