I was where adventure meets beauty. A group of guys headed into northern Wisconsin for a weekend canoe trip. The journey was meant to be relaxing—canoeing a chain of lakes surrounded by nature. A bald eagle flew overhead as this group of macho guys launched our canoes into the fresh waters.

A couple of guys stared at the soaring eagle. The majestic bird was a first for them. I had lost some of my awe, having shot hours of film documenting the lifestyle of a family or brood of eagles. My best footage included eagles soaring for a significant period without flapping their wings and diving into the lake for their morning catch.

Our gawkers finally chilled after a half mile into our canoeing expedition. The guys who weren’t fans of the great outdoors started asking how long until we stopped to make camp. These were grown men.

I estimated another eight hours if all went well, but as anyone who’s spent time outdoors knows, things don’t always go as planned. We soon struggled with low water levels, forcing us to portage the canoes several times. The drought that year had damaged the channels between the lakes.

We portaged in mud, across fallen tree branches visible for the first time in a decade, and a few old rusty appliances that owners didn’t want to pay a landfill charge to dispose of. The guys’ weekend out had become a grueling challenge with rising tension.

Conflict is often seen as something to avoid in personal and professional relationships. We instinctively shy away, thinking it might damage our bonds or cause lasting tension. But what if we reframe our view of conflict? What if we see it as a tool that can bring us closer together, build stronger connections, and foster resilience instead of avoiding it?

The hot sun quickly revealed who didn’t think to bring fresh water. One guy griped that he didn’t know he’d need any since we were canoeing in fresh water. But the low water levels meant muddy and undrinkable water.

As we faced and overcame these shared challenges, our group held together. We bonded in ways that might never have happened under easier circumstances.

The Power of Shared Challenges

When discussing connections, it’s easy to focus on the good times—the celebrations, the wins, the moments of joy. But it’s often the hard times that bring people closer. Shared adversity can be powerful, forging bonds far more substantial than those built during relaxed times.

Research in social psychology supports this idea. When people face challenges or conflict together, they often develop a sense of solidarity and trust. This is sometimes called the “misery loves company” effect.

Studies show that people who experience difficult situations together are more likely to feel connected to one another. They develop a bond strengthened by their mutual experience of overcoming obstacles.

My canoe trip was no different. The initial conflict felt inevitable as we encountered challenge after challenge—canoes hitting ground, shoes disappearing in the deep mud, and heavy gear sinking when rookies tried to climb out of the canoes incorrectly. Everyone had their idea of how to proceed, and disagreements flared as exhaustion set in.

Something fascinating happened as the sun set and the surrounding sounds shifted to night creatures. We realized that if we were going to make it through the trip, we had to stop seeing each other as obstacles and start seeing each other as teammates. This is where shared challenges turn into shared strength.

I took over cooking when several guys realized they had lost their food stashes while portaging a channel. The guys were exhausted, and I was the only one with a history of making great food for a group of guys in a short time—thanks to the summer scouting jamborees I participated in as a kid.

Transforming Conflict Through Communication and Collaboration

That evening, as we ate under the stars, communication became our most important tool. Instead of bickering or letting frustrations simmer beneath the surface, we aired our grievances and figured out how to work together. This was our needed turning point, a lesson that also empowers any relationship, personal or professional.

Effective communication is the foundation of any strong connection.

Whether navigating a challenging canoe trip or managing a complex project at work, the ability to communicate openly, listen to each other’s perspectives, and collaborate on solutions allows us to move forward productively. Once we started talking openly, we quickly realized everyone felt the same strain and pressure but expressed it differently.

We could finally address the real issues and move beyond the conflict by bringing everything out into the open. Our process aligns with research from Dr. Dean Tjosvold, a prominent conflict management expert who emphasizes the importance of open communication and cooperative conflict resolution.

According to Tjosvold, conflict isn’t necessarily damaging. How we handle it determines whether it strengthens or weakens our relationships. By focusing on collaborative problem-solving, we can transform disagreements into opportunities to deepen trust and build stronger connections.

Avoiding Toxic Positivity with Authenticity

With the sunrise came a shift in wilderness sounds. I took a deep breath of fresh air and contemplated our incredible discussion from our first night together. With everyone on the same page, this would be an exhilarating day until it wasn’t.

One of the guys became overwhelmingly positive. His mindset was hyperfocused and far from the truth compared to the more authentic men. His overzealous behavior was enough to force several fists to clench. I would’ve been one of them, but I firmly believe in showing new mercies every morning, so I released my expectations for the day and relaxed.

That’s not to say I didn’t wonder about his toxic positivity. This occurs when we try to cover up the negative aspects of a situation with forced optimism, thinking that if we stay positive, everything will be fine. But as my group learned on that trip, ignoring or dismissing our real challenges would have only worsened things.

Pretending that everything was okay would not have eased the physical strain or solved the practical problems of navigating the chain of lakes.

Toxic positivity can be especially damaging in professional settings, where there is often pressure to maintain a positive front at all costs. But when we gloss over difficulties, we miss the chance to engage in authentic problem-solving and personal growth. Real connection comes from acknowledging the full spectrum of our experiences—the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.

Humor and Reflection: Finding Meaning in the Struggle

Mr. Positivity finally exhausted himself and fell asleep in the canoe. The team pointed out that his yapper was shut, and we would have peace for the next few miles. We had additional good news: the water levels at our lower elevation were much deeper, so we no longer had to portage between lakes.

The sun hid behind a giant fluffy cloud, and a cool breeze cut across the lake. We were going to have a great ending to our trip. My canoe suddenly shifted sideways. Others were alerted to the water rippling around rocks like we had entered level 4 rapids.

Excitement reenergized the guys, and we shot forward into the light rapids with the enthusiasm of a race team. We jokingly talked sports trash as we maneuvered the small rapids, shooting down the short but steep channel to our destination lake. We ended the trip as if something remarkable had happened.

Weeks later, Mr. Positivity did a few speaking engagements, sharing how he took control of a canoe trip gone wrong and forced it into submission. He shared his moment of empowerment when he got us to safety for a glorious night under the stars, inspired us with his campfire stories, and motivated us to take class 4 rapids to finish off our trip of overcoming nature.

A handful of guys altered their memories to match the well-received positive story.

But four of us held to the unattractive truth. We faced heavy bouts of adversity in our “relaxing” canoe expedition. Some were self-inflicted by our ignorance, others inflicted by a drought, and still others inflicted by the stupidity of guys trying to be macho. We had endured physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion and found ourselves to be far more resilient than any one of us would’ve expected.

We found meaning in the struggle and even laughed at it. Later, I learned that laughing at our hardships is an essential part of turning conflict into connection. When we look back on challenges, we often find that the things that seemed overwhelming become the stories we tell with pride.

The hardships bind us together and make the good times even more meaningful.

Applying These Lessons to Your Connections

The lessons from this trip apply to personal and professional relationships. Conflict is inevitable in any setting, whether a team project, a business partnership, or a working relationship with colleagues. But if we approach it with the right mindset—seeing it as an opportunity for communication, connection, and collaboration—it can become one of the most powerful tools for building trust and strengthening bonds.

The best teams have faced challenges together and emerged stronger. The key is to engage in open communication, address the real issues, and avoid the trap of toxic positivity. By embracing the whole reality of the situation and working together to find solutions, we can create far more resilient and lasting connections.

At its core, conflict isn’t something to be feared. It’s a natural part of any relationship; when handled well, it can bring people closer. Shared challenges offer us the opportunity to strengthen our bonds, deepen our understanding of one another, and emerge stronger and more connected.

Copyright © 2024 by CJ Powers