We love changes that we initiate, but few of us appreciate changes that happen to us or around us. We wholeheartedly dive into that which we inspire, without any thought for the numerous adjustments needed to facilitate our dream, but we find it hard to adjust to the things we didn’t ask for or desire.

It’s hard to be happy for someone whose positive change impacts our lives negatively. We want to support them, but we don’t like the sacrifice we have to endure. Some times we can more easily accept the changes if we’re given consideration or say in the matter. Not that we need to have a say, since we’d probably support the same choice for change, but we would have felt more prepared for the things we would face.

Not knowing what is coming is unsettling for all of us. Oh, some like the adrenaline rush they get when the roller coaster shoots around a blind corner into a sudden loop, but most of us want to see where we’re headed. We want to have a sense of being prepared, or feel some sense of control – A feeling of being grounded.

The unsettling fact is that we can no longer trust having advanced notice of change in order to feel stable. We can no longer bank on the fact that earthquakes will only happen in California. We can’t count on our job being at one company for 30-40 years. Even the institution of marriage for many people has lost its life long stability. According to one poster, the only thing we can count on is change.

The unrest we feel can only be stabilized by something or someone who is stable. After all, a moving object can’t stabilize another moving object. A firm foundation is needed in our lives to give us a strong sense of perspective, understanding, and stability. It has to come from someone who is sovereign and is strong enough to generate providence.

The answer is certain: We must get to know our creator. He made us for a purpose before the foundation of the earth. He created everything we need to accomplish that purpose and gives us opportunity to talk and listen to him daily for instruction, guidance and to receive true stability in the middle of crisis.

My dad was a cop and found himself running into blazing buildings, shooting at gunmen, and evacuating people from poisonous gases. There was one question I asked numerous times because it was difficult to understand. How can two people be in the same harms way and one is confidently helping the other out of the circumstances, while the other is petrified for their life? He said one was stable and the other was not.

One Sunday afternoon when I was a kid, we were watching the FBI show on TV. During the chase scene we suddenly heard a crash and felt the house shake. It wasn’t cool 3D sound, but rather a car had crashed into the neighbor’s house. I ran to the car and saw blood everywhere. The passenger was unconscious and the driver barely able to speak.

The neighbor lady who was a trained nurse ran over to the car to stop the passenger’s bleeding. Unfortunately, the sight of all the blood in her neighborhood was more than she could handle. She passed out. I took over until my mom arrived. My dad explained that the nurse was never expecting such a serious accident in her own neighborhood and was shocked by the devastating circumstances. He said that my ability to handle the crisis that day came from my adrenaline rush watching and enjoying the car chase scene.

Perspective gives us stability and God’s viewpoint on life helps us understand all types of stability in varying situations. The only stability we have in life that never changes comes from the one who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He knows all things and freely allows us to ask him for wisdom. How cool is that? We can ask him daily for wisdom and every time he gives it liberally. We don’t have to be stuck or caught off guard for any length of time, as we can just chat with him about our circumstances.

Instability can just be a calling card for a chat with our Creator. It’s a chance to gain more wisdom, a better perspective, and sound stability in life. It is the only thing I know of that allows us to embrace change regardless of how it comes upon us.

Copyright © 2011 By CJ Powers

Photo © Dreef – Fotolia.com

I’ve seen many strained relationships lead to divorce over the past dozen years and most could have been avoided by a couple simple adjustments. Unfortunately, once the word “divorce” is brought into the conversation, each person begins to position and defend him or herself from great heartache. Both know each other’s vulnerabilities all too well and anything becomes fair game.

The wiser couples desire to work on their marriage before it gets into a no win scenario. They take the following five steps to protect their marriage during difficult times:

1. Verbalize only positive traits about their spouse in public.
2. Avoid complaining about their marriage to someone of the opposite sex.
3. Seek a counselor that is fair, wise and doesn’t take sides.
4. Listen to understand before talking to be understood.
5. Communicate to their spouse through difficult conversations to a resolve.

I’ve found that most marriage problems stem from a gap in communications. While various topics will raise the intensity of the conversation, all relational gaps need good communication flow to be resolved. Regardless of communication there is one other thing that must be in place – Trust.

I know a couple that made a bad mistake. The wife jumped to the conclusion that her husband was having an affair and accused him of it. She was convinced she knew the signs because she had an affair earlier that he didn’t know about. Not only was he surprised to learn of it while she was accusing him, he felt compelled to get back at her by having an affair, which she later rubbed in his face since she saw it coming.

I counted a lot of communication problems in their dilemma, but one thing was certain, they both had lost trust in each other. Fortunately, they wanted to restore their relationship and were willing to work at it in counseling.

After one of their counseling sessions the man paid me a visit. He wanted to know how he could rebuild the lost trust he had in his wife. I told him it was as simple as making several small decisions. He had to extend some small form of trust to her and watch to see how she handled it. If successful, he would extend a little bit more to her and see how she did in earning back his trust. This process would continue until their trust was fully restored.

The goal was to give her little opportunities to redevelop her trustworthiness. With each successful step, she would earn a little bit more trust until they were at the place where she developed a solid character trait of trustworthiness and he trusted her fully.

But he had to start by extending trust to her that she didn’t deserve. And, he had to not micromanage her ability to honor the trust with various forms of judgment. Instead, he needed to just look for movement – Not success.

A large sailboat can be steered very easily by a small little rudder when at sea, but try to steer all that weight when in dock and the rudder will not do its job. There has to be movement for the rudder to be effective.

In the same way repairing a marriage won’t work if one person is setting to the side watching as a judge, ready to pounce on their spouse’s next misstep. The marriage has to be in motion with both people living as a team through the struggles. As each tries to work at their portion of the problem, the other can give gentle words of encouragement to guide them in understanding and action.

I shared that if he wanted to see change in his marriage, he needed to stop judging and start coaching based on his vulnerable heart. It was counter intuitive for him – To open his heart to the one who just ripped it by having an affair. But, movement would be the only way to bring about healing.

The seas got a little darker for them as they learned how to coach each other without judgment, but I assured him that the storm was always darkest before the light shines through. He held his course steady and their trust grew significantly. He even noted that all movement was gently steered with little effort like a rudder moving a big sailboat in motion.

It’s been five years since their debacle and they are acting like newlyweds. Their communication is excellent. They both live as partners taking turns with short moments of coaching when a behavior risks the heart of the other. They’ve learned that nothing is wrong with either of them, but sometimes they may have to adjust a simple behavior based on how it might negatively impact the other. They also learned to be patient as movement is always a good sign, even if things get a little worse before they get better.

Copyright © 2011 By CJ Powers

Photo © moodboard – Fotolia.com