There are four words that most men dread – “We need to talk.” These words strike at the very core fabric of a man. They are words that might alter his destiny or at a minimum, stop his immediate plans regardless of how important. They are words that hit his gut with the most uncomfortable feeling of failure.

The negative response that men experience when they hear those four words is significant enough to change his approach to the one speaking, or even drive him to avoid them. Unfortunately, that visceral response is not healthy for the relationship. Then again, neither are the four words.

It doesn’t matter if the one sharing those words is a boss or a spouse, in either case the knee jerk reaction will not be conducive for bettering or furthering the relationship. So, why do people use those words?

I’ve noticed that the vast majority of the time when a person speaks out, “We need to talk,” they are doing so after pondering an unresolved issue for an extended period of time. They were either stewing on the situation or building up the courage to face their partner about their role in the issue at hand.

This drummed up energy used in expressing the issue, does nothing more than undermine the person they desire help or change from. In other words, it’s like cutting down the person before asking them for a favor. But, how else can a person share the same sentiment without kicking the other person in the gut?

Rarely do we desire to purposely hurt the person that we need to talk to about an important issue. What we actually want to do is share our hurt feelings about the situation, which should kick off the conversation with us saying, “I need you to understand how I feel.”

This variation is critically important, as it takes the focus off of the one who disrupted our harmony and places it on the one who is hurting. This shift would make the core of the conversation about a hurt person, not a bad person. And, if the conversation is about a hurt person, it would be reasonable to expect some level of empathy from a caring partner or friend. However, if the conversation is about a bad person, expecting any level of empathy would be foolish.

By taking responsibility for how we communicate, we can understand why we are heard or not heard. When we know a person is not listening to us, instead of writing them off, we can try to find out how we communicated the very thing that pushed them away like the words, “We need to talk.”

Some say that phrase is made up of just words and it’s the person’s unhealthy background that causes their internal nightmare. As a result, some would suggest that they shouldn’t have to change their approach. To a degree, that’s true. However, consider the fact that you may have turned the person off from hearing your heart. Is that what you want? That is not to say that some just won’t listen no matter what you do, but managing our word choice will increase the odds that he or she will hear us.

Please keep in mind that society changes the connotation of words over time like the word gay, which once meant a lively mood. Frankly, I’ve found it easier to speak the common vernacular than it is to wait for a person to learn how to get past the emotionally charged words in order to listen to me.

It’s your choice. Do you want to be heard and understood today or in a dozen years?

In working with hurting people over the past seven years, I can tell you that their goal is not to take down the one who angered them, but to be understood. I’ve noticed that when one person shares their hurt feelings, the other many times steps up to change their behavior so it never happens again. I’ve also noticed that when a person tells another what is wrong with them, they become defensive and seldom change.

If we share our feelings, it’s up to the other person to be an adult and change their behavior to protect us, although some won’t. However, if we cut them down or put them in their place, their visceral response is likely to be defensive, which I’ve never seen lead to change.

We have the choice. We can either drop the nasty four words from our vocabulary, share our feelings openly, and watch changed behaviors develop, or, we can use emotionally charged words to get that terrible built up feeling off our chest and watch our partner defend themselves – Locking into their negative behavior more permanently.

I’m looking for a relationship where I can share my honest and open feelings without rejection or emotional attacks. And, I’ve learned it starts with my approach and the avoidance of the words, “We need to talk.”

Copyright © 2011 By CJ Powers
Photo © Eric Simard – Fotolia.com

Every Thursday night I co-lead a divorce recovery class with caring people. These are the type of people that hold a significant amount of compassion and mercy in their hearts for others. You know the type, the ones who show you grace after every foolish thing you say or do, because they believe in you and where you’re headed.

On Monday this week, I learned that the program we use is shared in over 4,000 other communities. I also learned that our group attracted the attention of an organization who stated that we are in the top 100 of communities that run the program.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that our group’s greatest assets are its leaders. I am surrounded by people who care and know how to love the hurting. These men and women share and serve from the depths of their heart, many times reliving painful memories in order to stay sensitive and console those with fresh wounds.

In sharing with the team about the recognition, I took the opportunity to thank each of them for their wonderful contributions. The program couldn’t be what it is without them. People are always the greatest asset of an organization regardless of the nay-sayers who spout off about everyone being replaceable.

People can never be replaced, as each one is unique and has special gifts, ideas and services to share. My co-leaders are especially equipped to help others lighten their load and see passed their circumstances to the values residing within their souls. What a generous gift they have to offer.

Reflecting back over the past seven years of service, I couldn’t help but realize that I was the weakest link on the team. Nor could I help but to be thankful for my co-leaders encouraging me and helping me to help others. I’ve learned a lot from each one and I’m honored to call them my friends.

The sacrificial giving of their time was rewarded, not by the organization I chatted with, but by the smiles of gratitude from each person completing our program. The funny thing about those thanking us at the end of each session is that they barely can comprehend how much we learned from them.

I must admit that I’ve grown more as a leader through this program than when I attended it as a guest. In fact, helping the hurting realize how valuable they are and watching their self-esteem rise, is a blessing beyond explanation. I’m in awe of the joy and peace that comes to us leaders through the program. I’m also amazed when many return a few years later to give us an update on their lives.

We’ve seen the wealthy and the poor come through our doors. We’ve seen the scholar and the drop out. We’ve seen the professional and the blue-collar worker. And, we’ve seen the once confident and the abused. In all cases, we’ve seen hurting people reengaged in life.

Is there some where were you can serve? Is there a place were you can give without receiving anything in return?

It took me a while to find a place where I could serve without getting anything in return. But, the funny thing is, I’ve found that I have benefited far more than anyone else in the process. I have been in awe of each leader and find myself giving respect to everyone who walks through our doors. They are the ones who have decided to do the hard work, making themselves mentally and emotionally healthy after being dealt such a devastating blow, and they are the ones that go on to stand by the side of others experiencing difficult days. They are the reason our group made it to the top 100.

Copyright © 2011 By CJ Powers
Photo © Sprinter81 – Fotolia.com

My friend Laura and I were on a fast paced walk through the forest preserve last night when we heard the first tornado siren. We quickly checked our location and found that we were 2.5 miles from our cars. It only took one look at each other and we were walking at a breakneck pace in the direction of the parking lot.

The conversation quickly turned to what we should do if the tornado hit while we were in the forest. Once we agreed on the plan, Laura asked if I was interested in running. The conversation stopped and our legs stretched forward at twice the speed.

We were making record time from any 5K we’d run together, but the additional speed was taking its toll on Laura’s injured knee from her last race. She shouted out that she had to stop.

My mind reeled with a question that I didn’t think would ever pop into my mind, “Do I sprint back to safety and let Laura get back on her own or do I stop?” Before the question had finished running through my mind, I realized that I had already stopped and turned to help her.

Laura looked at me and said, “Thank you.”

I found it interesting that I would have a survivor type question pop into my head, while I was in the middle of doing what was right for a friend. I couldn’t help but wonder how many other questions I’ve pondered that were based on natural instincts or survival, rather than being the right humane thing to do.

It didn’t take long for me to realize how powerful of a gift it is to lay down ones life for a friend. No wonder God did that with His son. He is truly the best friend anyone could have. So why don’t more desire to get to know Him?

My thoughts were interrupted when another tornado siren went off, but this time much closer to where we were. Laura asked if we should run again and I firmly said, “No, not yet. You need some recovery time.” We continued to walk quickly through the very dark canopy of trees.

Once we made it closer to a clearing and could see the mounting storm clouds approaching, we both picked up our pace into a light jog – then a quick run. Unfortunately we couldn’t maintain the speed past a half-mile with Laura’s injury screaming for ice. We slowed back to a fast walk.

A sudden blast from a nearby siren jolted us. It was ear piercing and a sign that we only had a half-mile left to go. We maintained our steady walk and I tried to comfort Laura in clarifying our position. Then another siren went off and another. It was clear that tornados were sighted in our area and we only had a couple minutes left until impact.

I silently prayed for God’s hand to hold back the storm and continued forward. A calm came and the trees stopped blowing. We looked at each other knowing fully well that the calm always comes before the blast of a storm.

The cars were in sight and we drove off in opposite directions, but not until after Laura asked what she should do if she sees a tornado while in the car. Heading down the street at faster speeds than posted, I wondered if I could make it home or if I’d have to get out of the car and find a gully or street sewer to hide in.

My phone rang and it was Laura sharing how she could see massive black clouds off to her left. “Her left?” I turned around and saw a twister forming over my right shoulder. It was moving in my exact direction. I said a quick prayer for our safety and told her that I had to hang up.

My foot hit the accelerator and I quickly calculated my 55 mph speed against a tornados 70+ mph speed and assessed if I’d have to get out of the car or if I could make it home. The stoplight turned red and I cut my wheels sharply to the right, cutting across the gas station and out the other side.

I put the metal to the floor and headed down a side street hoping that my outrageous speed would not cause me or anyone else harm. The town tornado siren went off, followed by the two surrounding town sirens. I looked in my rearview mirror and the tail was dipping down toward the ground.

The tornado was catching up with me, but I cut the wheel hard and took a left on two wheels, wondering if my speed or the tornado was lifting my car. I spun around the block and wondered if I should take time to back into my driveway or just pull in and get into the house. I had no idea why my thoughts were considering being presumptuous on God while I parked my car in a preferred manner. It was a ridiculous thought.

I pulled in straight forward and hopped out of my car. The siren a block away was so loud and nerve racking that I could barely find the right key. I unlocked the door and stepped inside. I could hear what sounded like a train going over my house and I looked outside. The trees were bent way over to the point were I thought they would snap.

The black swirl under the puke green sky dissipated before it touched down. Within two minutes it was over and followed by a deluge of rain. I was home and thankful. Then power went out and I decided to head to bed early.

It took ComEd over five hours to return our block to power, but thankfully I woke up to a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze. The excitement was over and I sighed. Trying to out run a tornado was very invigorating, but I think that I’ll pass up the next opportunity that might want to come my way.

Copyright © 2011 By CJ Powers
Photo © Chris White – Fotolia.com